


Three Bladed Weaponry Fetishists Walk Into A Bar

by wingless



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Kara no Kyoukai | The Garden of Sinners, Tsukihime
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingless/pseuds/wingless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three protagonists of TYPE-MOON works sit at a table at Ahnenerbe and bond. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Bladed Weaponry Fetishists Walk Into A Bar

"-And after that I went into a coma for two years," Shiki Ryougi explained nonchalantly. "I got my Mystic Eyes when I woke up. Wasn't pleasant. Kinda terrifying, actually. Like, I'm used to it now, but back then I really freaked out."

"I can relate." Said Shiki Tohno. "It wasn't an actual accident in my case, but I was definitely scared."

"Yeah, I even tried to poke my eyes out the moment I realized what I was seeing." Ryougi took a sip of her drink.

Tohno stared at her. She continued, ignoring him. Or just not noticing.

"And on top of that, my mind was in the Void all these two years so I spent those two years in complete nothingness. Oh, and remember how I said that I used to have a male personality? Well, that was how he died. So when I woke up and he was gone and after spending so much time surrounded by nothingness and death I was feeling all empty inside. Also, I lost my sense of self and felt that all my memories belonged to someone else and I was a new person now."

She leaned casually against her chair. "So, there I was, feeling empty and with no sense of identity or will to live. That's when my mage found me. Soon I realized that only killing people made me feel like I was alive and since I was struggling to find something to live for again, I latched on to that."

"Oooh, and I definitely can relate to _that_. Um, not the split personality and killing people parts, but the rest." Shirou winced. "It's like having an identity crisis and an existential crisis all at once, right? You feel all apathetic and don't remember how to feel the desire for anything but one only thing. And it's not like you exactly _want_ to die but you don't have any motivation to live and you feel like you're dead. And you don't feel any negative emotions but you can't feel happiness from any of the normal things either."

"Yeah, exactly!" Ryougi piped up, looking almost cheerful. 

Tohno was staring at the bottom of his cup, ignored by them both and ignoring them both, this entire time. "You tried to poke your eyes out." He finally said blankly.

"Huh?" The two turned to look at him.

"You tried to poke your eyes out when your Mystic Eyes awakened."

"Yeah, so what?"

"I just..." He looked up at them finally with a look of mild horror on his face. "My reaction, compared to that seems..."

Ryougi and Shirou exchanged glances. She shrugged. "Well, tell us. It was your turn to tell your origin story anyway."

Shirou looked surprised. "We didn't decide to take turns."

"We did just now. Well, Tohno?"

"Well, my adopted brother attacked my little sister when I was eight. Long story, he was kinda possessed. I shielded her and took the blow for her so he almost killed me. She gave me half of her life force to keep me alive and my adopted dad erased all my memories of what happened and had everyone pretend it was an accident. So that's how I got my Eyes. I woke up in the hospital and started seeing the lines then. But, um... well, the first thing I did was try to test them out. And all I did is try to run away from the hospital and only because I felt lonely. Even though I was freaked out by the lines. And it was at least after a week. That's when I met Sensei, by the way, who helped me out with them."

Silence settled over the table. Ryougi and Shirou were staring at Tohno, who was staring back. And then Ryougi finally spoke up with a raised eyebrow. "Well?"

"What do you mean, well?"

"So what's your point? Are you trying to tell me you're upset because I didn't freak out as badly as I did?"

"Well, no. I'm not _upset_. But compared to yours, when I look at my reaction... I kind of begin to wonder..."

"About the fact that you took it way better. You're worried what that says about you."

"Yeah," Tohno sighed. "

"But it's not like you being crazy and fucked up is anything new, is it?"

" _Hey_!"

"She's right, Tohno." Shirou said apologetically. "But you know, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think any of us are exactly, well..." He glanced at Ryougi. 

"Yeah, none of us are stable or functional. In different ways, sure, and some of our issues are similar and some are different, but I mean, if we weren't fucked up we would't be the protagonists."

Tohno sighed. "All right, fine, maybe when you two put it that way, it's not that bad. " 

"Cheer up. I mean, I have self-hatred issues so bad my own future self tried to kill me."

"And I have a homicidal split personality who interpreted me falling in love with a guy as wanting to kill him."

Tohno glanced at them blankly. "I... have a side of me that's a homicidal maniac and I got off killing one of my girlfriends."

"I have another personality that's pretty much the void in human form."

"You guys, this isn't some kind of contest-" He sighed. "Okay, fine. I act in self-destructive ways because it's the only way I know to live."

"I once killed myself so my little sister could live normally."

"Touko hit on me when we first met." At the boys' horrified stares, she added. "I was seventeen when I woke up. Geez, how old did you think I am?"

"The mage who rescued me was an overgrown manchild."

"I only knew Sensei for a few days before she left me forever."

"I destroyed my own arm once."

"One of my girlfriends is King Arthur."

"I'm completely cool with knowing that I'm going to die young."

"I jump off buildings and attack people in dark alleys during my free time."

"My body is made of swords."

Shiki and Shiki laughed, very loudly. Shirou waited until they calmed down and said, "I'm not joking, actually."

"What, literally? Made out of swords?" Ryougi was barely supressing her laughter.

"Um... no, and yes, in a way. It's complicated. Technically it's just a metaphor but it also refers to something literal... an ability I have. Once, I ended up getting impaled by endless swords growing from the inside of my body."

That did a good job of stopping the laughter. "Seriously?" They both winced at Shirou's nod. " _Ouch._ "

"It didn't actually hurt. But it was pretty uncomfortable and not very convenient. I can't say it made moving very easy. And my mind was getting destroyed at the time too..." 

"Well." Tohno said. "I only have one girlfriend who never tried to kill me or attack me."

"I don't have a girlfriend who never tried to kill me or attack me."

"Really? Even Saber-san? Oh, right, that bad ending..."

Ryougi watched them thoughtfully. "Maybe you guys should go talk to Kokutou instead. I think he can relate to you. Bet none of you ever had your mental and emotional stability threatened by any of you girlfriends."

Shirou and Tohno exchanged glances, and both turned to stare at her incredulously. Finally Shirou said, "Are you serious, Ryougi?"

"Okay, fine, bad way to put it. None of you were ever forced to kill one of your girlfriends-"

"Um, well-"

"-Because love and affection was at odds with your homicidal split personality and your misanthropic nature." Ryougi rolled her eyes. "That aside, I gotta say, wow, you guys really have me beat."

" _This isn't some kind of contest_!" Shirou looked like was about to slam something against the table if he had anything but his hand to do so with. "Why did we even end up talking about this?"

"Dunno. By the way, Emiya, it's your turn now."

"No, thank you, I'll pass. Ugh, I want to talk about something else."

"Well, I wanted to hear yours too, but if you have any ideas, I'm all ears."

A silence settled over the three as the they decided to finally return to their meals. Then, after about ten minutes, when they were done with their food, Shirou suddenly spoke up very slowly. "Let's talk," he said, "about swords."

Although Tohno gave Shirou a questioning look, Ryougi looked almost enthusiastic. "Yeah, let's! What do you want to talk about in regards to swords? There's no much to say, I guess. Swords are great, huh?"

"Yeah! I just think they're so beautiful and heroic and noble and each one carries a story with them. They're old-fashioned but it just gives hem a nostalgic atmosphere. They're both incredibly good-looking and useful. It depends on the design, of course, and on how you make them, but even the swords that aren't made very well or won't be very useful at all have something special about them, something to be appreciated." He blushed harder and harder with every word, and sighed.

"You have no taste, Emiya." Tohno said with a shake of the head. "No, knives and daggers is where it's at. Knives are beautiful, elegant and sleek, without any need for overdone and elaborate design,. much more practical, and have an aura of danger, excitement and thrill, like that cool and mysterious upperclassman that all the school is in love with."

"No, I think you're the one with no taste." Shirou shook his head. "Knives have no true beauty. They are meant for people who play dirty and cheat during battle."

"And swords are for old-fashioned people who need to get on with the times. That era's over."

"Swords!" Shirou stood up, slamming his fist against the table.

"Knives!" Tohno followed suit.

"Swords!" 

"Knives!" 

"Swords!" 

"Knives!" 

"Swords!" 

"Knives!" 

"Swords!"

_"Knives!"_

_"Swords!"_

_"Knives!"_

_"Swords!"_  
 _  
"Knives!"_

"Alright, you two," Ryougi stood up with a sigh, "Settle down. This ain't anything to argue about, alright? Different strokes for different folks, remember?"

"Ryougi!" The two exclaimed at once, turning to her. "We need you to settle this for us by choosing a winner! Swords or knives?!"

"What?" She blinked. "Why do I need to chose? Why can't we have both? Personally, I think both are equally good."  
When they continued to glare at each other angrily, quietly Ryougi added, "And people are staring at us." Reluctantly, they sat down, their eyes not leaving each other once.

It was probably for the best that Aoko decided to walk up to them right at that moment to break the ice. "Hey, so I see you three are having some kind of protagonist party over... here..." then stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"Oh, Sensei." Tohno blinked. "What's wrong?"

"I don't think your new friends like me, Shiki."

"What do you-" He turned to see that Ryougi and Shirou were giving Aoko identically flat, cold stares. "Oh. What's wrong, guys?"

"This one doesn't qualify to sit here." Ryougi said.

"What?"

"Where are your issues? Where are the nonstop pseudo-philosophical ramblings in your work? Where's your traumatic backstory, involving an accident and leading to you developing very unusual, special psychological problems and issues?"

"Yeah. And you call yourself a Type-Moon protagonist?"

"No respect for you seniors? I'm the _original_ Type-Moon protagonist, you know-"

"You just ruined your chances, Aozaki-san." Shirou shook his head in disappointment.

"Huh?"

He turned to Tohno and Ryougi. "Here's a tip, guys; something I learned from experience. Don't trust anyone who walks around proclaiming to be the original of anything."


End file.
